Rip the Tourniquet off!!!

I haven’t written in so long. I mean really written; meaning blogging regularly, compiling articles in two weeks. Two weeks is a long time for a writer to not have written anything. I have gone through a phase of self doubt. I was going through a leadership mentorship with my pastor. And I just realized how much I have no clue of who I really am.

Before I proceed I would suggest that you read these two books by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray & Courageous Leadership. Don’t read like a churchy book. Just read and jot down notes one chapter at a time. Just let the content of each chapter simmer in your mind, before you begin the next chapter.

Back to what I was saying before; out of all the exercises that we were given one stood out the most. We were to list our formative experiences. These are the big events that defined your outlook on life. And boy! Oh! Boy! That was painful. Painful!!! The stinky, gangrenous wounds of my past emerged!

But ripping that single huge tourniquet off of that infected and pus filled wound of my past left me wailing like a child. My life has been wounded and driven by rage and pain. And once that realization dawned on me; I knew that a lot of my decisions were based on that. My life and desires were driven by the pain, anger, betrayal and inadequacies of the past.

And once that was stripped off, I have been feeling very bare. And lost and absolutely confused. Lost and confused because I am not quite sure whether certain things that I thought I was passionate about were legit or driven by rage.

It’s like going back to kindergarten as an adult; and learning the Alphabet again. But after a few days of thinking; I now realize that there is nothing wrong with going back to learn the Alphabet. Because this time round I understand the meaning of the Alphabet; things now make sense when I do them.

I now understand that in life, I have been told to do things but they never really made sense. And now they are beginning to make sense. I understand the power of reasoning. I understand the need to have a moment of silence each day to evaluate and examine my life. One day at a time.

Life is a skyscraper to infinity, instead of focusing on how to get to the next floor. I need to explore and enjoy the current floor that I am on. It is from the lessons of the current floor that I am on; that I will have the tools to tackle the next. I will only go up the floors when I am ready.