Reflections

After having a nice long discussion on vulnerability and being honest with yourself. I started asking myself questions and retracing my steps back to the past couple of days. Am I really a good friend to people?

Am I being honest enough with everyone? Or am I just letting things slide because it is easier not to be emotionally engaged. I lied to myself yesterday. And it is bothering me. Lately I feel as if I have become weak and a wimp. It makes me squirm because I preach the need to be consistent in character.

I need to be honest with myself. Rose! Am I choosing the easy road out to make things comfortable for everyone (read; myself)? I am beginning to see a lot of compromise in me that is becoming unacceptable. And I am wondering why I am letting things slide.

It’s been gnawing at my soul all evening! I have been preaching about social conduct in this blog. But it is time that I put myself under the same harsh scrutiny. I have been doing a mental evaluation of all the people I call my friends. And I have really been asking myself if I have really been there for them when they need me the most. Have I given up my convenience to suit them on occasion as they do for me?

Do I value them enough to sit there and let them whine and vent. And just be there and not ponder on how best to rid them of their woes. And I am even thinking of really finding out what friendship is all about. For years my obsession was to excel in life. People were always secondary or even tertiary in the chain. Come 2006 I met two people who would change that forever. They taught me that friendship was about vulnerability, honesty, accountability and compromise.

Lately I’m finding it hard to hear and in some cases tell the truth. I just dismiss and move on. And I don’t know why. I never used to be this way. What has changed in me? I don’t know! But I sure will find out.