Different

I honestly have been trying to avoid writing anything outside articles. I have been thinking a lot about shutting down both blogs and re-evaluating why they are here in the first place. But many a times in the past two months I have found myself making mental blog posts of where I have been, what I have seen, experienced and learned.

The past two months have taught me to be more thankful to God and celebrate what true Faith in him has been about. The past months have also taught me that truly money isn’t everything. Just this week I realized that up until Sunday 25^th September 2011, my motive for having money or earning it was so that I had money. Period. Money wasn’t a tool it was a desire. And that realization shocked me and opened my eyes to see it as a tool. Managing money as a freelance journalist is easier than when I was employed. Discipline is required. And so far I applaud myself for my efforts.

I have grown in the past eight going on nine months now of freelance. I thank God as much as I can for showing me His purpose for my life. I take each day as a learning day and boy! The more I read, the more I interview people. And the more the interact with people whether it is on human rights issues, health, politics, economics, business, the more I realize how much I need to do as a journalist.

But the more I do what I love most the more I realize that I need to strike a balance in my life. Marriage has come to mind severally, so has children and a number has come to mind. Friendship means something new to me everyday, being there for my family and allowing them to be there for me is something I also learn everyday.

Life is more than just making money, striving to be wealthy. Life to me now is what I learn and experience everyday; the good and the bad. 

Rip the Tourniquet off!!!

I haven’t written in so long. I mean really written; meaning blogging regularly, compiling articles in two weeks. Two weeks is a long time for a writer to not have written anything. I have gone through a phase of self doubt. I was going through a leadership mentorship with my pastor. And I just realized how much I have no clue of who I really am.

Before I proceed I would suggest that you read these two books by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray & Courageous Leadership. Don’t read like a churchy book. Just read and jot down notes one chapter at a time. Just let the content of each chapter simmer in your mind, before you begin the next chapter.

Back to what I was saying before; out of all the exercises that we were given one stood out the most. We were to list our formative experiences. These are the big events that defined your outlook on life. And boy! Oh! Boy! That was painful. Painful!!! The stinky, gangrenous wounds of my past emerged!

But ripping that single huge tourniquet off of that infected and pus filled wound of my past left me wailing like a child. My life has been wounded and driven by rage and pain. And once that realization dawned on me; I knew that a lot of my decisions were based on that. My life and desires were driven by the pain, anger, betrayal and inadequacies of the past.

And once that was stripped off, I have been feeling very bare. And lost and absolutely confused. Lost and confused because I am not quite sure whether certain things that I thought I was passionate about were legit or driven by rage.

It’s like going back to kindergarten as an adult; and learning the Alphabet again. But after a few days of thinking; I now realize that there is nothing wrong with going back to learn the Alphabet. Because this time round I understand the meaning of the Alphabet; things now make sense when I do them.

I now understand that in life, I have been told to do things but they never really made sense. And now they are beginning to make sense. I understand the power of reasoning. I understand the need to have a moment of silence each day to evaluate and examine my life. One day at a time.

Life is a skyscraper to infinity, instead of focusing on how to get to the next floor. I need to explore and enjoy the current floor that I am on. It is from the lessons of the current floor that I am on; that I will have the tools to tackle the next. I will only go up the floors when I am ready.

Ass Whopping from Grandma!

http://globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/kung-fu-grannies-combat-rape-kenya

Petri Dish or life?

The last couple of days I have spent with people younger than me. Mostly in their early twenties; and it made me realize how much I have gone through. And how easy it is to dismiss and downplay the emotional and relational turmoil that these young adults were going through. I began to appreciate how far God has brought me in life.

And at the same time I realized how much we tend to be so obsessed with things that are of no value whatsoever. Here’s an example. I am not the kind of person who is completely obsessed with wearing the trendiest clothes, hairstyle and cell phone. I used to. It battered my esteem when my clothes weren’t like my friends. They were friends who were ‘with it’. I never had the cash to keep up with the trends.

In my early twenties clothes were a luxury. I just couldn’t afford it. It made me hate myself and I constantly felt ugly and out of place. I would panic about job interviews, because of clothes. I focused so much on the need to fix and piece together the external, yet my inside was rotting and decomposing.

My soul and spirit where decaying.  I didn’t realize it. I was in pain, I was hurt and helpless. And that is what I saw in some of the young adults I interacted with. There is that constant juggle of a foggy reality, with pain, battered esteem, and trying to figure yourself out. The confusion and disillusion of job hunting, life seems to just cave in.

It’s funny that in life, you spend most of your life trying to figure yourself out. Every decade of your life is a point of reflection, celebration and figuring out more about yourself. It fascinates me that reading books, prayer and meditation and human interaction is how you discover who you are.

You’re like an experiment, like every day is a lab experiment that will reveal another hypothesis of who we are, what we are here for and what we are meant to do! Fascinating! Let’s see what the next ten years will reveal in the Petri dish of existence.

Broken but I am healed!

A friend of mine once said that some people are so afraid of facing themselves, to the point that some people can’t look at themselves in all their glory, in a mirror.

We all live a life busy and eventful. But we never really want to face who we are. The past 2 to 3 months have been a learning curve. The last 3 weeks though I realized that something about me had died. I have been learning so much that made me realize how flawed I am as a human being. And the scariest part was realizing that I barely new myself.

After I shed off the false illusion I had of who I was. I have been stripped bare. And I am back at the teenage phase in my life. The ‘vulnerable, hurt and fighting to keep a dignity that is barely there’ phase. I am back to the elementary stage of my life. I am learning the ABCs of who I am and what it is I love.

However much I am leading a team and realizing that there is a need to build a value system. I first have to build my own value system. Now I understand the importance of silence and self reflection even deeper.

I am broken, but I feel restored. I feel like the larvae beginning to break into that butterfly. This is the cocoon phase before the beauty emerges.

 It hurts to have your flawed character served back at you. And what is worse is that I have no idea on how to fix it. I don’t feel helpless. The interesting part of all of this is, by realizing I knew nothing. I feel free from condemnation! I tried to cheat myself and justify my decisions, but the truth is I am messed up, like we all are. And I need to get fixed.

No Energy

Another day has come and gone. New and unusual occurrences, maybe not that unusual; but life came and thrusted experiences upon me and the day ended.

My brain is getting jiggy with it and isn’t quite settled. In other words I am typing away at the keyboard trying to figure out what to write about. And what do you know as I was typing a topic came to mind.

Yesterday my mentor asked me how I was doing. And I had just had a really awful day. I managed to complete my work on time. But I was just at the drawing board phase figuring out the cost vs. benefit of it all. And I was completely discouraged. And with that in mind I just grumbled and made an awful facial expression.

He just told me that I need to begin to look at things positively. If I can quote him, “There are a lot of great stuff happening around you.” I felt slightly guilty for feeling the way I did. It just made me feel like a whiner. Maybe I am on and off.

I am just tired on and off. I just loose the energy and drive to keep working!

Live! Don't Preach!

The past ten weeks have been pretty interesting. I have been in the spotlight; rather I put myself in the spotlight of my life. If that makes sense; I hope it does. And I have constantly questioned my thoughts, my actions and my choices.

A wise friend of mine once said; “In Roysambu (an estate in the Kasarani Area of Nairobi) there is a popular saying, ‘don’t burden people with advice’.” I have been one to burden people with advice and chastise people harshly. I have been on the receiving end of it lately, and it really isn’t pretty.

One thing about being spiritual, religious or having a strong conviction about anything; is that we shove things down people’s throats! Believe you me, I have choked and gagged many a people!

If I am to use an analogy; it’s like being offered a plate of an unusual delicious cuisine. Instead of offering it to someone and asking them to taste it; you pin them down and shove food down their throats. They don’t enjoy what could have been an amazing and life changing meal. Instead they loathe the meal; you and may never ever eat it, or come close to the meal ever again.

I am learning that I need to learn to share my life and experience with people. Give them a taste and let them decide. Life is an experience. A constant evaluation of people’s experience to learn from, grow from or run away from; and I guess that is where I have derived my joys and sorrows.

Fascinating! Today while I was in the bus coming home, I kept a mental note of what I was going to write today. And at a certain point I stopped and retraced my steps in how I got to this thought process. And I was amazed that I could actually do that. I have constantly said that my memory has gone to the dogs; but I guess I just wasn’t aware that I was thinking at all.

I am more conscious of what I am doing now, what I am thinking. I am learning the power of silence and just cultivating the need to be aware of myself at all times. I still trip up and think after an act or statement. But I try to think before and retrace myself. And even debate within myself whether it was the right or moral thing to do.

In the process of conscious thinking I realized today that I am generally indisciplined in every single area of my life. The inconsistent blogging should have set alarms off. But noooo sir! It didn’t!

After reading books that highlight the importance of planning and setting goals for my life, I still did nothing. Today I just realized how lazy, dangerous and apathetic a life I was leading.

At some point I knew what my purpose in life was. And being a Christian you kind of realize that God’s purpose for your life is what counts most. And getting His directive is key.

I knew what I wanted spiritually and as a leader in the areas that I lead. But when it came to my career I was literally roaming around in the dark. With regard to health; I have a constant ideal Rose I have in mind. I start exercising mentally. I literally visualize myself exercising, I count the reps of each workout; as I stuff myself with that delicious plate of nice crispy fries and chicken with that nutritious salad and carbonated soda!

I just thought to myself today that ‘you know what Rose? You don’t need those annoying self help books, attend sermons or simply think positive. You need to discipline myself to act regularly.’ And after I am done with this, I am drafting up my goals in each section of my life, set targets, timelines and rewards.

Like one thing that I thought to myself, routine in itself isn’t boring. It’s doing it without being conscious of its effects that makes it boring. ;-) It’s called psyching yourself up! J